| (no subject) |
[Oct. 21st, 2009|06:21 pm] |
I've had the longest day ever. I'm out of insulin and all the stuff I need to manage my diabetes and apparently my insurance doesn't feel like they should pay for it...you know because it's not like it's keeping me alive or anything, but I went to a new doctor today and he sorta looks like a chubby Sammy. You're jealous. (okay, now I do have my insulin so I'll live to post again)
This is part 1 of 3
Title: Thanks Pt. 1
Author: ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) bitchandjerk
Characters: Sam/Dean,John/Mary/OFC OMCs OFCs Jared/Jensen
Rating :R
Words10,700/2,942,300
Warnings: Wincest,
Summary: On Thanksgiving moring Sam wakes up early to get a head start and Dean doesn't wake up at all.
Notes::AU, rest are here.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
Feedback: Makes me hard
On Thursday morning Sam was dressed and ready to kick some serious ass before the sun was even up. He woke at five in the morning and put on his special big boy Thanksgiving outfit in silence as to not wake Dean who was sleeping with his ass in the air. Normally Sam would have face planted or at least smacked it a little but he was a man on a mission and he had three turkeys to get into the oven so they could get cooking.
The secret to the perfect turkey wasn't the brand or whether it was fresh killed or not. None of that mattered as far as Sam was concerned and the only thing that did matter was the brining liquid. He had been perfecting it for the past four years and he was pretty sure he finally had it perfect though he wasn't going to know for certain until he sat down to eat. His top secret liquid, which he only shared with Evan, contained an exotic mix of fresh and dried herbs, salt, vegetable stock, and the most important ingredient of all, Winchester sauce. It was actually Worcestershire sauce but Sam thought Winchester sauce sounded a lot better and there was no way Evan was going to even attempt pronouncing Worcestershire.
The three turkeys were in the laundry room in three separate big orange buckets. They had been there since last night and Sam knew they were just about perfect. Gabe had really saved Sam's ass because he was an excellent defroster and had the newest turkey thawed in a matter of seconds with what Dean deemed angel eyes heat vision. Sam didn't know what mojo he had used and he didn't really care because the damn bird wasn't a solid block of ice anymore. It was supple and ready to be cooked and then devoured. Just to be on the safe side Sam was serving that one last and he was making John eat it first in case angel juice caused sonic diarrhea.
After checking on the turkeys Sam took a deep breath and walked into the kitchen so he could get started cooking. All the casseroles were already waiting in the oven so breakfast was taken care of, but Sam needed to get started on the big meal. He wasn't going to put ten pots on the stove at five in the morning but there was a lot of chopping that had to be done and several pie crusts that had to be rolled out. Sam decided to get the chopping out of the way first so he wouldn't be worrying about it while he rolled out the pastry dough.
The celery was in the refrigerator along with some bell peppers and herbs to supplement what Todd had grown. Sam needed onions chopped as well but he was putting those off as long as possible because he always cried. He could handle celery though and decided that was first on his list. He opened the refrigerator ready to wash and chop for at least the next hour but it was all already done.
Every vegetable that needed to be chopped had been chopped. The celery was so beautifully diced Sam thought something must have invited a new kitchen gadget he wasn't aware of. Even the onions were done and in their own plastic container so they wouldn't be stinking up the entire refrigerator. It was pretty amazing and Sam was a little overcome with emotion that anyone would do so much work in the middle of the night for him. He wanted to think it was John but there was no way he could dice so beautifully and evenly. Dean probably could have but it would have taken him three days to do it. He was good with a knife but he was slow as molasses. Sam really had no idea who his helper was, but he was grateful.
Since the chopping was done Sam decided to roll out the pastry and get started on the pies. He had several to make because a certain handsome hubby really liked to get his pie on. The dough needed to warm up for a few minutes at room temperature and then Sam would make short work of it. He was just about to pull it out of one of the refrigerated drawers in the kitchen when he heard a very tiny tinkering sound coming from the dining room.
The house was set up with a breakfast area in the proper kitchen and because it was so big Sam usually had no problem seating everyone in there. For Thanksgiving dinner they were going to have to be in the real dining room which thankfully could fit them all. Sam was a little worried about needing a second table, but Todd came though with an extra leaf and an extra dozen chairs they had in storage. Sam didn't even know about that which made him feel a little silly since he still hadn't visited all the building on the property.
It was still dark but there was a faint glow coming from the dining room. Sam followed it and the little noise until he was standing in the doorway and fighting the urge to not get completely hysterical. The table was beautifully set with Sam's special Thanksgiving china he had bought specifically to match the house. All the glass turkeys he found in Vermont were lined up down the center of the table with tiny pumpkins, pomegranates, and pears. Little candle holders were all set up and Sam knew it was going to be beautiful when they sat down to eat. Even the place cards were out and Sam was particularly proud of them since they were little frames with each person's picture. It was the dinner table his family deserved and Sam couldn't have done a better job himself.
"You're not mad, are you?"
"No." Sam said as he shook his head. "You did the chopping too?"
"Yes, sir, Mr. Sam. I didn't know if I should come in during the night but I couldn't sleep and there's no reason you have to do it all."
"Thank you, Jason. You have no idea how much this means to me."
"You're welcome, Mr. Sam. We can move the place cards later. I probably didn't get them right."
"Did you separate Justin and Jenny?"
"Mmhmm." Jason said before he laughed. "I also made sure that Jensen Ackles is far away from my baby brother."
"Anthony?"
"Next to Mr. Winchester."
Jason really must have paid attention because he did everything Sam would have as far as seating was concerned. Sam wasn't going to make an obvious choice to separate Michael and Jensen, but he did think it was pretty funny. It was just what he needed to have an early morning giggle. That and the fact that Jason had gone out of way to help already made the day so much easier to deal with and Sam knew it was just going to get better.
Since he was already ahead of schedule Sam thought it best to relax for a few minutes with a cup of coffee. Jason thought that was an excellent idea and admitted he hadn't started it because he didn't want to wake anyone. That also explained why he had set the entire table aided only by candlelight. Apparently he had used the same candle when he was chopping which sounded pretty dangerous but all digits were still firmly attached.
After they both had a cup of coffee loaded with Splenda, Sam patted the barstool next to his so Jason would know to sit down. They had time and there had to be a reason Jason was up all night instead of sleeping in his very comfy bed. He had helped so Sam wanted to return the favor by lending an ear if he wanted to talk. He was normally pretty chatty but when Sam asked he stalled and his cheeks flushed with color. It was a little cute, but Sam thought it looked more like shame than bashful embarrassment.
"While you were gone we all sort of moved around." Jason said. "Everyone needed their own guest house…you know…if they wanted to be tender."
"Oh, I didn't know everyone moved again. I hope you stayed put, you shouldn't have had to move twice."
"I stayed, yeah…Ryan, he's in the other room cuz' we're both singles and you know Michael worries about me."
"Oh…"
"I think he might be sweet on me." Jason whispered. "You know, like he likes me maybe."
"Maybe." Sam shrugged. "I guess that might…maybe…"
Sam knew there was no maybe about it because that was some of the big gossip Dean just had to tell him all about. Apparently Ryan had said loved which really didn't surprise Sam too much, but he sort of thought there was some transference going on. Ryan sometimes looked at Michael like he was personally responsible for hanging the moon. They were best friends and Ryan had a hell of a lot of respect for him, but Sam thought maybe it went a little beyond that. Obviously since Jensen hadn't come between them Michael and Alex were in it for the long haul which Ryan had always known and accepted. With a very cute new brother in the mix it was only natural for him to start feeling something non-platonic.
"He's nice."
"But?" Sam asked. "Sounds like there was going to be a but."
"I don't like him like that. I have a lady friend and…"
"Whoa! You have a girlfriend?"
"Yes." Jason smiled. "Back in Westport."
"Since when? Why didn't you say anything?"
"I dunno…I just….well…"
"What's her name?" Sam asked. "Do we know her?"
"See, I don't actually know her name." Jason said. "But she's got shiny brown hair and she wears a ribbon that always matches her dress. Okay, well she's not technically my girlfriend, but I think if things were different she might be. She might like me, I got real pretty hair."
"If things were different?"
"I can't…Mr. Sam, I know I'm never going to get married or have babies. I was just joking about her being my lady friend, I just like to think about it when I'm at church, what it might be like."
"Why wouldn't you be able to get married or have children?"
"'Cuz I wouldn't lie. I'd…well, I'd have to be honest and no one would want to be with me if they knew what I did. I think maybe I can just be the best uncle in the world because Michael says I'm already better than Jeremy and Aaron's way too bulky."
"Don't settle for just being an uncle if you want to be a father, Jason."
"I…"
"Do you want to have kids?"
The father or uncle thing hit way too close to home for Sam. Jason was in a completely different situation but Sam didn't want him to settle for one thing on the off chance some woman wouldn't understand. When he first met Mikey, Sam thought he'd only be an uncle, but making the choice to be his father with Dean was the best thing he had ever done. He really felt like he was born to be a dad and nothing was going to get in the way of what he really wanted. Jason deserved the same chance and Sam wasn't going to let him give up without even trying.
"Can you keep a secret?"
"Most likely."
"Few Wednesdays ago when Alex was in the city and Michael was at school I was home alone. I went up to their room, you know they got that closet that I swear is as big as the house we grew up in."
"He is my son." Sam smiled. "Makes me proud."
"He's got such beautiful things and I was wondering how I might look in a fancy suit. I know I shouldn't have, but I don't think he'd mind."
"He wouldn't care at all. Is that your secret? You tried on his suit?"
"And shoes." Jason said before he nodded. "There's a box in the back of the closet…had books in it and you know how much I like readin'."
"Yeah, I do."
"He had all these books hidden back there…they were all about people like him, you know…"
"Gingers?"
"People who were abused as children."
Sam knew that was where Jason was heading and his little joke did nothing to make the conversation any easier. Sam even knew about the books though he had never seen them. The only reason he knew Michael had them was because of a particularly hefty charge on his credit card and a shared account on Amazon. Sam went looking and saw the order for a dozen books all about people who were molested as children and then went on to have their own kids. That was as far as Sam wanted to look because he knew the statistics and apparently Michael and Jason did as well.
"I read some…you know people who are abused, they're more likely to abuse someone else. It's like a take back the power thing. They took it from me, I can take it from someone else, like that? I'm not gonna, but it worries me, worries him too but he won't let it get in the way of being a daddy."
"Jason…"
"But with me, Mr. Sam. There's somethin' in me. There's somethin' rooted deep that made me do wrong. I know it's there, I can feel it and if I had kids I might hurt 'em."
"I understand that."
"Do you?"
"When I was six months old a demon killed our mother after he fed me his blood. When I was in college I started having visions and I thought I might be bad. I thought I might be meant for bad things."
"But you're not."
"No." Sam smiled. "Because what happened to me, what happened to you, doesn't define who we are. I was so scared…I…I was so scared that I didn't want to have kids of my own because I didn't want them to be like me, and now when I think about what I almost gave up I literally feel like I'm dying."
"They are like you though, in a good way. I can feel 'em sometimes."
"What do you mean?"
"Sometimes I can just feel them, right in the core of myself. Ya'll all make me feel safe."
"That's what we do." Sam said. "Jason, just promise me you won't give up what you want because of fear."
"You think I'd be a good daddy?"
"Yeah." Sam smiled. "I do, just stick with me and Dean and ignore everything dad does."
"Okay."
"Okay." Sam sighed. "Wow, that was cathartic."
"It sure was." Jason said before he wiped at his eyes. "I wanna help today."
"I'd love that. So, we got a little sidetracked. You were up all night because Ryan's into you?"
"Yeah and then I was thinking about that girl and having a family of my own. Can't sleep when I think too much, but I'm sure it's just a little crush."
"I'm sure it is too."
"They're harmless." Jason laughed. "Everyone has 'em."
"Believe me I know…um…I mean…uh…on Dean!"
"Uh-huh. Spill it, Moneybags!"
Sam could feel himself turning six different shades of red so he hopped off the stool and tried to busy himself with rolling out the pastry. Jason wasn't giving up though, and he managed to shame the hell out of Sam without saying anything. He was just sitting still with his head in his hands and waiting, which was so obviously something he had picked up from Michael who could get anything by saying and doing nothing.
"Come on! I told you about fartin' in Michael's ver-sace suit."
"Versace." Sam laughed. "And you farted in it?"
"He yelled at me for…playin' with myself on his fancy sheets and I didn't!"
"He told me that your sheets are worse than James'."
"Mr. Sam, I have to stick my head out the window to sneeze I'm so nervous in that house. I sure as heck ain't playin' with myself in bed. Come on, oh! Is it Jensen Ackles?"
"Well, obviously."
"No." Jason said. "You wouldn't have turned so red. This is a real crush on…hmmm."
"It's no one."
"It's Gabe."
"How the hell did you know that?"
"Oh, my gosh." Jason whispered. "I just picked the most ridiculous person I could think of. That's naughty even for you."
"Hey! It's not even like that."
"You jus' wanna make babies with him."
"I think you're sleep deprived." Sam laughed. "I just really like the way he makes me feel. I feel safe and warm when he's around…he makes me feel like Dean does which confuses me, but…I don't want to feel bad for feeling good."
"You can feel anyway you want, Mr. Sam. We all know you ain't going nowhere."
"Yeah, you're right."
"It happens sometimes. Now you got another rolling pin I can use?"
"In the pantry." Sam smiled. "And don't think you're off the hook for touching my china without asking first."
"I can help with the dough, right?"
"We'll see how you do."
Jason had to be the fastest learner ever because it took him about thirty seconds before he was rolling out pastry like a pro. Sam was very impressed particularly because the dough had sat out a little too long and it had gotten kind of soft. That made it a little more difficult to roll but Jason didn't have a problem with it at all. He was flattening out the rounds and filling the tins just as quickly as Sam was.
Before Sam knew it, the tins were all lined and ready to be filled. Pumpkin was the favorite pie of the household but Sam was making apple, pecan, cashew, and a cherry one for Dean who always said something very nasty while he ate it. Since Jason had done such a bang up job with cutting the onions and celery, Sam gave him a new knife and a big bushel of apples which he got done in record time. Sam was still sort of struggling with the cherry pie and Jason was already onto pecan which he needed no instruction on since he was a good old southern boy.
By the time all the pies were made and being chilled it was just after six in the morning and Sam heard some whispered arguing right outside the window. When he went to investigate he was pleasantly surprised again because Anthony was at the backdoor giving instruction to Craig, Jensen, and Aaron all of whom were still half asleep. Aaron actually looked like he hadn't slept at all, but that was most likely due to Jeremy pounding on him all night long.
"What's going on?"
"We're here to help." Anthony smiled "All your best friends and Jensen."
"I'm like a replacement Jared." Jensen sighed. "We tried to wake him up and somehow I ended up giving him a handjob."
"We want to help, Sam." Craig smiled. "Because you'd do anything to help us, but I have to leave in like a half hour to wake up Justin by making him happy with my mouth."
"Hot."
"And as dad's newest illegitimate son, Jeremy felt like I should help out on dad's behalf as he's a douchebag."
"That's really sweet, guys. Thank you."
"Okay." Anthony said before he clapped. "I'm pretty sure we're gonna get started on the pies, which means Jensen can set the table with Craig and Aaron you're on chopping detail. How's that sound?"
"Lovely." Sam nodded. "That sounds just perfect."
"But it's been done." Jason said as he peeked over Sam's shoulder. "Ya'll can all go back to bed, I'm handling it."
"Oh, hell no…"
"Anthony." Sam laughed. "Don't."
"Looks like ya'll was too busy with your significant others."
"Said by the boy who has a fairy hot for him." Anthony said as he walked into the house. "Isn't that what we heard?"
"Mmhmm." Jensen yawned. "I heard you were nearly as rimmable as Dean."
"What's rimmable mean?"
"Oh, God." Anthony whispered. "He lives with Alex and he doesn't know what rimming means?"
"Ryan said he was as rimmable as Dean?" Sam asked. "Wow, he's like the most rimmable person on the planet."
"Second, cutie." Jensen said as he pinched Sam's butt. "Mmm."
"Stop that!"
"Rimming?" Jason asked. "Aaron?"
"Well." Aaron sighed. "Ryan would like to bend you over the kitchen counter and lick your button until you climax, then he'll have anal sex with you and call you names."
"Oh, my goodness!"
"He's not going to do that." Sam laughed. "If anything he'll rim you and then sit on it. Jeremy calls you names?"
"He calls me Mr. McNasty sometimes."
"Huh…"
"I'll have you all know that I am not gay."
"Yet." Anthony whispered. "There's still time."
Anthony and Jensen both kissed Jason on the cheek at the same time and he turned red all over again. Obviously nothing was going to happen with Ryan and Jason was a little concerned about the vibe he was giving off, but Sam still thought he enjoyed being the object of someone's affection since he was particularly giggly while they all worked together to get ready for Thanksgiving dinner.
It was cold and dark when Dean woke up. He could deal with the cold but he just hated the dark. Even when he slept late it always seemed to be dark outside and when the blinds were open the light still couldn't get in the way it needed to. It was a terrible way to start each and every day, but there was nothing Dean could do about that. He had to get out of bed eventually and step out into the cold dark to start the day which kept getting harder and harder.
In the bathroom Dean went through his morning routine which involved pissing, brushing his teeth, and washing off his face. He hated the mirror in the bathroom because he thought it made him look so much older than he was. He knew it was just because he was always exhausted but it was easier to blame the mirror. It was always covered in smudges too and though Dean had tried to clean it off after he showered it just got worse.
After he was done in the bathroom Dean walked out and took a seat at the little table so he could wait. He was on such a strict schedule that he always managed to wake up right when he needed to, which was coincidentally about five minutes before breakfast was served. It came right on time and was delivered by one of his favorite people in the whole world.
Maggie was in her fifties and routinely brought Dean extra food when she was his nurse. Sometimes he got a whole second sandwich, but that didn't happen too often. Most of the time it was just a more generous serving of pudding or a few extra pieces of sausage. Dean liked the sausage because it was so much better than the dried out bacon that was usually burnt.
"A bacon pig…it's a sausage pig today."
"Dean." Maggie said. "You have an appointment today. Talking like that isn't going to get you out of here."
"What's today?"
"Thursday."
"It's Thanksgiving and I…"
"That was months ago. Remember? I got you an extra slice of pie."
"Pumpkin."
"That's right." Maggie nodded. "Down the hatch."
Dean sighed and then accepted the little paper cup filled with brightly colored pills. He hated taking them but his doctor kept saying that if he took them he'd make progress and maybe get to go home one day. Bobby kept saying there was a room just for him and that was what Dean was aiming for. Bobby's house wasn't nice at all, but Dean would have his own room and he planned on making sure there were no curtains, blinds, or shades on the windows.
Just like he did every morning Dean hesitated before he swallowed the pills. He knew it was for the best and that the pills might give him a shot at a normal life again, but it felt wrong. He felt like they were numbing him and confusing him so he wouldn't know what was what. Cutting back on his dosage just wasn't an option Dean's doctor was willing to discuss since it was better to fine tune what he was getting.
"How'd you sleep last night?"
"Good." Dean said. "Cold, it's still cold."
"Do you want an extra blanket for tonight?"
"Yeah, I'd like that."
"Any dreams?"
"No." Dean lied. "I had a long day yesterday, I was sort of wiped."
"And maybe those pills are helping."
"Maybe."
"I hope so, Dean. Twenty minutes and then I'll be back so we can go to your appointment."
"Okay, thanks, Maggie."
"No, problem, sweetheart."
Breakfast was just terrible and though Dean was starving he couldn't even finish it. The eggs were overcooked and way too yellow. They just looked fake and they were more rubbery than any food should be. The sausage wasn't that bad but it was obviously the cheapest they could find. Dean ate it all anyway, but that was only because he knew Maggie would make a big deal out of sneaking him extra he couldn't finish. The biscuit was probably the worst thing on the tray because it was like a rock that crumbled into pieces as soon as Dean tried to put a little strawberry jam on it.
"Stawbewy…gwape." Dean whispered. "Daddy…"
After Dean frowned at himself he got up from where he was sitting to get dressed. His going out clothes weren't any different from his pajamas but he still changed into a fresh pair from the cabinet on the side of the room. He had a few pairs of slippers as well and he thought it kind of seemed like a gray slipper day instead of black or blue. After he dropped them to the floor and stepped into them Dean walked to the window and parted the blinds just enough to look outside.
As always there wasn't anything beyond the blinds. It was just empty and where there should have been another building or empty land there was nothing. There wasn't even a sky overhead which always made Dean wonder where the gray light was coming from. He could still see it, but there wasn't a source like the sun hiding out between some thick clouds. Dean was smart and even with the drugs in his system he knew that what was outside the window wasn't right but for the life of him he couldn't remember what it was supposed to look like. He knew there should be sun, rain, and at night the moon should come up, but he couldn't visualize where they might be in the blackness.
The twenty minutes went by quickly and before Dean knew it Maggie was back and offering her arm to him. There were times when they switched up his medicine and Dean couldn't find the strength to walk. She'd come with a wheelchair and make quick work of getting him into it. He always felt helpless when that happened but it was a little fun too and the rides made it easier for Dean to prepare for his appointments.
As they walked down the hall Dean was paying very close attention to how clean everything was. The hallways were painted white which matched the tile underfoot. The fluorescent lights on the ceiling were even in white casings and brighter than Dean thought they should be. It almost hurt his eyes to look at them, so he chose to stare at the floor since Maggie was leading the way.
"Why are the floors so clean?"
"This is a hospital. Dean. We have to keep everything clean or else we'll be fined, maybe even shut down."
"They're too clean."
"Nonsense, there's no such thing as too clean. You're just nervous."
"There aren't doors either. Where are the rest of the rooms?"
"That's enough, Dean."
"You're hurting my arm."
"Shut up."
Dean's whole body lit up with pain when Maggie's long nails broke through the skin on his arm and dug right into the flesh. He was younger and he should have been stronger, but struggling only made her tighten her grip. The pain got so bad that Dean thought he might pass out, but then it just faded and Maggie wasn't hurting him anymore. She was just walking with him down what had to be a mile long hallway. It was like a loop with bright lights, clean floors, and no doors anywhere except for the red one at the end where the doctor waited.
When they were standing in front of it Dean tried to struggle away again, but Maggie was just too strong. She wasn't hurting him, but she was holding him firmly in her grasp. Dean thought he must have weighed ten pounds since she was handling him like a rag doll. She managed to get the door open without ever letting him loose and she didn't care that the office was the last place Dean wanted to be.
"It's time for your appointment, Dean."
"Maggie. What do you look like?"
"That's not important. You need to focus on getting better."
"I think you used to have a face."
Dean wanted to touch her and he actually got close but she was too strong and fast. When his fingers were closing on her featureless face she grabbed him by the chin and then shoved hard so he fell into the dark office. Dean knew he had a face because he had just looked at it, but Maggie was blank. She looked like those robbers who pulled stockings over their heads before hitting up banks. Her hair was there and her little white hat, but there was no nose or eyes and even though Dean could hear her talking she didn't have a mouth.
"Dean."
"Doctor." Dean said quietly. "Good morning."
"Good morning. Have a seat. How are you feeling today?"
"Good, I'm a little cold."
"That's from the pills."
Dean sat down and then put his hands in his lap like a good little boy. He knew better than to ask any real questions because he always ended up getting answers he didn't really like. He didn't like the sessions with the doctor much either, but he knew if he kept going and really trying to make progress that one day Bobby would come and visit him and then take him home. That was going to be a great day and something Dean was always working towards.
"How'd you sleep?"
"Fine." Dean said. "I was so tired last night. I went to bed early."
"No nightmares?"
"No."
"We won't make any progress if you lie to me, Dean." The doctor said. "I know you're lying."
"They're not nightmares."
"Then did you dream?"
"Of course I did." Dean whispered. "It's Thanksgiving and Sammy's…"
"Your brother was killed seven year ago, Dean. You know that."
"I…I know, but I'm telling you in the dream he got in this argument with dad…"
"He's been gone for eight years."
"I know that!" Dean yelled. "I'm telling you what I…I'm sorry, I didn't mean to raise my voice."
"That's okay, Dean. I know how real these delusions are to you."
"Yeah." Dean smiled. "My delusions."
They had been over it a hundred times and Dean was getting pretty sick and tired of listening to the same thing everyday. The doctor kept saying that the dreams were delusions but they felt more real than anything else in Dean's life. Sam had loved him and the built a life together with beautiful children and real friends who they could always count on.
The doctor said that it was a coping mechanism that Dean invented after Sam was killed. He thought that under circumstances Dean would have handled it better if John hadn't died just a year earlier. He invented a fantastic world of wonderment to make everything better where Sam and John were still alive and the kids gave Dean some purpose in life. That was what Dean heard in every session and he knew if he really wanted to get out of the hospital he'd have to believe it.
"These feelings you had for your brother are partly responsible for this world you've created."
"Because I love him."
"Victims of incest often…"
"No, there weren't any victims. I didn't do anything he didn't want. I didn't do anything he didn't love."
"So why did you invent a son who was a victim of incest for you to save if not to alleviate your guilt over molesting your brother when he was a child?"
"Mi…Michael."
"Anthony wasn't enough for you, Dean. That's why you brought in Michael. You needed someone more damaged."
"No, that's not…"
"Then you had to make his life perfect. You even went so far as to give him what you think is the most important thing in the world. Bring in a brother out of nowhere so he can have everything."
"It wasn't Jason's fault."
"That's right." The doctor said as he looked through his files. "Jeremy made him do it. The demon."
"Yes."
"This is the same brother who you saved all by yourself. A brother who was the epitome of evil in your world. Don't you see how your story works, Dean?"
"He needed me to save him."
"You invented Jeremy because you needed someone to save, like you wanted to save Sam. Then once you saved him you brought in Aaron so you could be the hero again by giving them a place to live, a real family, by giving them you as a big brother."
"How am I supposed to know they're not real?" Dean asked. "They could be real. I could be dreaming right now."
"Dean, what makes more sense?" The doctor asked. "This world we live in or the fantasy land where you're a millionaire with special powers? You've given yourself everything you want including a replacement for your mother and seven children all of which have their own superpowers, are healthy, and incredibly intelligent."
"It could happen."
"Yes." The doctor said. "In fiction."
Dean hated his sessions with the doctor because they always made him feel not only crazy, but wrong as well. He felt like he had spent his entire life making bad choices and those choices were why John had died and why Sam had been killed. If Dean had been smarter or faster he knew he could have saved them both. He had his gun on him and he still couldn't react fast enough to save Sam.
"I want to go live with Bobby."
"That's what we all want, Dean. We want you to get healthy, and leave here. Didn't you say all you want to do is go for a ride in your car?"
"I do, real fast with the windows down and some loud music."
"I think that sounds very nice and it's a realistic goal for you to have, but you know what you need to do before that can happen."
"Live here." Dean nodded. "And now."
"I'd like to try again."
"Me too." Dean said. "I want to do it, it's just so hard."
"Just focus, Dean. Just repeat after me."
"Okay."
The doctor got up from where he was sitting and leaned against the edge of his desk. He was a tall man with big hands that always looked so clean. Dean didn't do anything during the day and he still sometimes got little bits of dirt under his nails. The doctor was probably doing stuff, but he stayed perfectly clean like the hallway, the walls, and the floors. It was all so obscenely clean, but Dean didn't smell bleach or other disinfectants, he smelled sautéing onions and maybe bacon that never got burned.
"Your brother and father are both dead."
"My father and Sammy are both dead."
"Your father had a heart attack and your brother was murdered."
"Dad had a heart attack in the hospital." Dean said. "And…and Sam was killed."
"Good, Dean. What else?"
"I'm not a millionaire or a writer. I'm not getting a degree and there are no movies or contracts."
"You're doing so good, Dean, keep going."
"I…I molested Sammy when he was a kid. I hurt him, I used him, violated him…" Dean whispered before pausing. "And Michael's not real. I made him up, just like the rest of my friends."
"And?"
"And my kids. I don't have any kids. I never met Jenny, and Sam died before the twins were born. Amy's not real anyway and she didn't have my…Ollie's not real. Mary and Milo aren't either. I just…I pretend to have so many kids so when they turn six months old I can save them, I'm big enough now and I wasn't big enough to save Sammy when he was a baby."
"I'm so proud of you, Dean. This is what you have to admit to yourself if you want to live with Bobby."
"Thank you."
"There's one more thing."
"No." Dean said as he wiped at his eyes. "That's it."
"You need to admit this to yourself. If you can do this we'll see about getting you some more privileges. Bobby could come visit you more often, wouldn't you like that?"
"I…I would, but I'm so tired."
"Then just say it and you can go back to your room and take a nap."
Dean shook his head and tried to summon up the strength but he just didn't have it. All of it left his body when Sam died and there wasn't anything left to fight for. After that Dean's whole life meant nothing because his only real job was looking after Sam and he screwed that up like he screwed up everything.
"I can't."
"You can, Dean." The doctor said as he squatted down in front of him. "Just repeat after me. My brother never loved me."
"My…my brother never lov…Sammy never love…"
"He left you, Dean. He had to go across the country to get away from you after what you did to him. He left you. He died to get away from you. He never loved you."
"He did, he still does, wherever he is I know he still loves me."
"You're never leaving this hospital."
"This hospital?" Dean asked as he looked around. "You're the only doctor here and Maggie's the only nurse. There are no doors anywhere and you don't have a fucking face either. This…this is what's not real."
"Dean…"
"You can convince me that I hurt Sam or never became a father. Hell, I'll even agree with you that me being anything more than a skirt chasing chauvinist is a bit of a stretch." Dean said before he stood up. "But my brother has always and will always love me."
"Sit down."
"No. I'm not listening to you anymore."
When the doctor shoved him, Dean shoved back and he wasn't weak anymore. He was strong again and determined to figure out what the fuck was going on. He had a pretty good idea, but he needed some kind of proof which wasn't easy considering he was dealing with people without faces who still somehow managed to look scared of him.
"Joe." Dean said. "That's what we call you. Sammy's gonna kick your ass so hard you'll taste if in your fucking throat and that's if you're lucky."
"Listen to me, Dean."
"I think we've established I'm not going to be doing that anymore. Whatever mojo you're working is fading, which I'm pretty sure means that in just about a minute one of my brothers is going to bust down that door. You better pray it's not Sam."
"You don't understand."
"I don't want to." Dean smiled. "I want you dead and…"
"He'll come for me, Dean. You need to not stand in his way. Let Sam kill me, he has to."
"What?" Dean laughed. "I think we already wrote this story. Demon wants to die?"
"I'm not a demon, but this is so far out of your control, my control."
"Right. Is this where you tell me someone's making you kill people and someone's making you leave bodies where my children could have seen them. Did someone make you drag me into his office?"
"Yes. You have to find where I am and kill me. I can't stop them."
"Stop who?"
"The…"
The doctor or Joe, whoever he was didn't get a chance to finish talking and even if he did Dean wouldn't have heard. He was standing in front of the red door when it got torn off it's hinges and the noise of splintering wood was deafening. Dean couldn't hear a thing, but he did get to see Joe fade and for just a second his eyes were visible. They were so familiar and Dean was sure he had seen him before at some point in his life. They weren't overly familiar like Anthony's or Alex's might be, but Dean had seen Joe before, that much he was certain of.
When the door exploded there was a bright white light behind it and Dean was so grateful that someone had come to his aid that he didn't even worry about how blindingly severe it was or that it still tasted funny. His money was on Gabe and then Sam, but it was Jeremy who came through like he always seemed to do when things got scary.
"Jeremy."
"Who is he?"
"I don't know." Dean said. "I…he didn't have a face, but I saw his eyes and I want to see yours."
"No."
"Open your eyes, Jeremy, please."
"No." Jeremy whispered. "You just need to get up and…"
"Please."
Jeremy's head was down but Dean lifted him up and waited. He knew he just had to wake up but he was staying put and probably making everyone worry more until Jeremy opened his eyes. It was well over a minute before he stopped being stubborn and just did it. As Dean expected they were pitch black and scary as hell, but they were still his brother's and Jeremy was still there as he always was.
"Thanks for not letting Sammy come."
"He couldn't anyway. We need to get back."
"What's wrong?"
"We just need to get back."
"Jeremy." Dean said as he grabbed his arm. "You need to tell me what happened before I get out of here."
"You remember that day in the city?"
"When Bruce got hit? Of course I do."
"I think that was Sam just warming up."
"Wake me up." Dean said. "Now."
The last Thanksgiving Aaron actually celebrated was when he was seventeen. He knew he was leaving in May for Rome so he wanted to have one last big Thanksgiving dinner. His parents were all on board with that and they planned something truly massive and extravagant which Aaron decided not to feel bad about because if he was going to spend years away from his parents he wanted lots of good memories. Ten minutes before they sat down to eat both his mother and father got called away to the hospital and he spent the day with the housekeeper.
In Italy no one actually observed Thanksgiving, so for years Aaron didn't even really pay any attention to it. It was just Thursday there and he didn't eat or do anything special. He thought that was something he'd spend the rest of his life doing until he remembered. He remembered Jeremy and found out he had a biological father and a whole family in America who did Thanksgiving right. It was apparently one of John's favorite days right after Grandpa's day which happened every other Saturday and the first Wednesday of each month.
That got Aaron all excited for a big family feast and for the longest time he had been hearing fantastic tales of Sam's skills with a turkey. At first it was just Dean, who praised everything Sam did. The turkey could have tasted like broiled rubber and Dean still would have thought it was the best thing in the whole entire world. John then mentioned that a full on pilgrim platter from Sam was sort of like a religious experience and Jeremy said something similar though his comparison was a little more vulgar. Jeremy hadn't had proper Thanksgiving with them, but apparently Sam had done a little something in Vermont right after he showed up.
"Wait a minute." Jensen said. "You're talking about actually sucking on it?"
"Yes."
"After you come, right?" Anthony asked. "I mean you come and then felch him."
"Not necessarily. I mean sometimes it's before." Sam shrugged. "Though I don't mind after…don't mind even a little bit."
"Jar-Jar told me that makes you conceited if you like being tasty."
"What the hell does he know?" Anthony laughed. "He's from Texas."
"Hey!"
"Jackles, are you saying you enjoy self sampling?"
"Dude, I'm fucking adorable."
"Perhaps we could talk about something else." Aaron whispered. "Something a little more appropriate for seven o'clock on Thanksgiving morning."
"Just us gays." Anthony said. "Why does it…Oh…Jason, I don't suppose you have anything to add."
"No! I asked one question and Aaron answered and now ya'll have been talking about licking butts for…over an hour!"
"You know you're a little uptight for someone who has a brother that beat me off."
"What does that have to do with anything?" Anthony asked. "Nothing I bet."
"I'm just saying." Jensen shrugged. "I heard that one time he was going to sleep with you and then he turned you down to beat me off."
"He turned me down to date Alex."
"Alex…I don't know who that is…most of my friends have won an Oscar…"
"I think we should talk about Friday plans." Aaron nodded. "Shopping, perhaps?"
Aaron had to do something because every time the word "taint" came up Jason turned greener and greener. It was obvious that he was extremely uncomfortable but he wasn't going to leave because he was helping. Sam wasn't participating in the conversation much, but Anthony and Jensen were having a little too much fun talking about inappropriate subject matter. They had both tried to get Aaron to participate but when he got eaten out he didn't feel the need to discuss it mostly because only Sam had it as good as him.
"That's the only problem with Thanksgiving down here. There's nowhere to shop. I wouldn't go anyway, but Dean loves it."
"Where is Dean?" Jensen asked after glancing at his watch. "I haven't seen him since he tucked me in and read me my bedtime story."
"He is being a lazy bones." Sam said before wiping off his hands. "And I'm going to wake him up."
"No!" Anthony whispered. "Leave him sleeping, he's so cute when he's all flustered from sleeping past seven!"
"Be that as it may, he'll be upset if we let him sleep while you guys are helping. I'll be back. Jason, can you watch those onions on the stove?"
"Yes, sir, Mr. Sam."
"Thank you."
"Anyway." Anthony said once Sam had left. "Sam's totally lickable, but I think there's something about Dean that would be downright delicious."
"Right?" Jensen grinned. "I'd fuck him."
"Cupcakes."
"What?"
"Cupcakes." Aaron said again. "We're going to talk about cupcakes."
"Sam made these cupcakes once…" Jensen said. "They were like…man, they were awesome."
"I like those ones from Magnolia bakery."
"Right around the corner from my house!"
Jensen and Anthony started what had to be the most focused cupcake discussion on record. Aaron didn't play mind tricks often but sometimes it was so necessary. Jason, understood what had just happened and he locked eyes with Aaron for just a moment before he nodded. Aaron nodded back and then smiled a little because he sort of enjoyed being able to change the topic so completely.
That was Aaron's last smile of the morning because things fell apart right as his face was relaxing. He felt it before anything happened, it was like clouds gathering and funneling before the storm started. The air was charged, it was crisp, and Aaron could see Jeremy in his head as he pushed back the covers and tried to make it to the house as quickly as he could. He was incredibly fast, but still not fast enough.
"What's wrong with the lights?" Anthony asked. "Is there is…"
"Earthquake!" Jensen yelled. "You two get in the doorway! Now!"
"There's no earthquakes in South Carolina." Jason whispered. "Aaron, what is it?"
"It's Sam."
The human animal really was an amazing creature because in times of crisis instinct always won out. Anthony was the only father in the kitchen and he acted quicker than anyone which Aaron assumed was because his chubby baby was always trying to eat whatever he could get his hands on. The whole house was shaking and as the lights overhead shattered into hundreds of jagged shards it was Anthony who managed to push and then shield Jensen and Jason.
Sam's rage had already blown all the light bulbs, but they were still in the fixtures. The tremors coming from under the house had shook one of those fixtures loose and the sharp pointed bulb crashed directly into Anthony's shoulder. He screamed because it obviously hurt, but it wasn't going to be fatal like it would have been had it landed on Jensen's head.
Jensen was the second closest thing to a father in the room and after he got Jason in the doorway he grabbed a towel for Anthony and then took off running. He didn't go out the backdoor at all, like a smart person might have done. He ran further into the house like a good friend was bound to do. Aaron didn't want him anywhere near Sam, but Jensen surprised him by heading straight for the kid's bedroom. He was still thinking earthquake and as an expert he wanted them safe.
Aaron had grown up in California and he knew that the tremors were about as far from natural as they could get. He could feel Sam's fury radiating towards him in massive waves and more was coming at him from outside. Aaron felt like he was getting crushed and he prayed no one else was feeling the pressure of being stuck between his two brothers. It faded when Jeremy busted in the backdoor, but Sam was still going at it and he felt a hell of a lot stronger than Aaron thought possible.
"Anthony."
"I'm fine." Anthony panted. "Jason, go check on the babies."
"What the hell happened?" Jeremy asked. "Sam's…"
"I don't know…"
"Why are you just standing there?"
"Because I can't feel Dean." Aaron said. "I can't…Jeremy."
"I need you."
It took a particularly brutal reverberation for Aaron to snap out of it. Jason was already gone because he was so much stronger. He had orders and he was going to follow them. Aaron was almost jealous of him because he got the job done no matter what. He didn't shut down when something bad happened, he had been through worse and he wasn't going to let anything happen to the babies.
Jeremy got to the bedroom first and Aaron was right behind him. Everything looked so normal, but it was anything but. Dean was in bed and looked like he was only sleeping, though Aaron knew that wasn't the case. Sam had obviously tried to wake him up and when he didn't get a response he went off the deep end. He was just standing at the side of the bed without any expression on his face at all. He was the blankest thing Aaron had ever seen and quite easily the strongest.
"Sam…" Jeremy whispered. "Calm down."
"Where is he?"
"I don't know, but we'll find him."
"You'll find him." Sam said as he looked over. "Now."
"When we figure out what we're…"
"Now!"
For someone who was all about choices Sam didn't really practice what he preached. Aaron was thinking of ways to intervene, but there was no time to waste as far as Sam was concerned. He screamed and it seemed like the whole world went light for a moment. All Aaron could make out was the grief all over Sam's face before he felt like he was flying. He felt weightless and happy for a moment, and then came the closet doors, the closet walls, and one very sturdy two by four.
Never in his life had Aaron been in such incredible pain because he was strong enough to just ignore it most of the time. That was before Sam thought he had lost Dean though and everything changed. Aaron was in agony and though he tried his hardest to hang on he ended up passing out against the living room floor, while the whole world kept on shaking.
When Aaron came to he wasn't sure how long he had been out, but things had gone from bad to worse. The shaking had stopped and Anthony seemed okay, but John was lying on the living room floor with his arms both twisted at an incredibly awkward angle. They were obviously broken, but bones healed. Aaron was more concerned about the little pool of blood around his mouth. John was and had always been human, so a trip through the wall wasn't going to be as easy on him. If it had caused Aaron to black out there was no telling what it might do to a normal person.
"Help him." Anthony whispered. "Aaron, help him."
"Where's Jeremy?"
"Gone."
"What do you mean?" Aaron asked as he got his hands on John. "Where did he go?"
"Char…Charlie said Sam sent him away."
"Has anyone else been in that room?"
"No one would go once John…"
"He's fine. I promise."
"What about Sam?"
"He's fine too. You're bleeding a lot." Aaron said. "Let me…"
"No, save your strength." Anthony said. "Tell me it'll be okay."
"It'll be okay."
It was a good thing Anthony could deal with the pain because healing him would have taken just about everything out of Aaron. He didn't even have enough strength left to fully heal John. He was unconscious and a few bones were broken, but he was alive and that was all that mattered. Jeremy and Dean were alive too which Aaron really hoped Sam could feel. Whatever had happened was about to end, and if Jeremy was involved it was sure to end bloody.
When Aaron got up from the floor he noticed Justin visibly struggling to hold Charlie back. He wanted to get into it to help out, but there was no telling what they were actually dealing with. Dean wouldn't want him to help anyway and Justin would never allow it. Had he been just a little stronger Aaron would have attempted to calm him down, but he couldn't waste anything since Sam had gone nuclear.
The bedroom door was still open and James was crouched outside. He looked exhausted as well which meant he had most likely tried to do something. Aaron wasn't sure what he could have accomplished since stopping Sam was like swatting a fly with a feather. No one stood a chance against him, which made getting Dean back more important than ever.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah." Aaron nodded. "You?"
"Yes. I told John not to go in there. Why can't he feel Dean? He's not dead, he wasn't ever dead."
"He must have tried to wake him." Aaron whispered. "And when he wouldn't wake up, Sam…just assumed…"
"Did you know he was this strong?"
"No. Did you?"
"No." James sighed. "Gabe won't come."
"I don't expect him to." Aaron said. "With Sam like this…they're all protecting Jason."
"Do you think…"
"No, not yet. That's total last resort for them."
"Okay." James said. "Um, we have to go in there."
"Agreed. Give me your hand."
"Yes." James laughed quietly. "I'm sure the two of us together will have no problem talking him down."
"Need some help?"
When Aaron heard Jeremy's voice from behind them he had never in his life been more relived, that was until Sam finally fell to his knees at the side of the bed. Everyone was completely drained, but Sam looked just fine. Aaron knew he wasn't anything to be scared of but it was still so damn scary since they had no guarantee that their whole family would live forever. It was bad when Bruce was dying, and worse when Sam thought Dean was dead, so there was no telling what might happen if it were ever one of the kids. Aaron hated himself for thanking about that, but he couldn't help it.
James hugged Jeremy first which Aaron sort of thought wasn't fair. He got to go second though which meant got to hold on a little longer since Sam was busy making absolutely sure that Dean was okay. He was awake and he looked okay, but there was no telling how his experience might affect him since Aaron knew firsthand how real those dreams could be.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." Jeremy smiled. "How awesome is Sam?"
"Where…where'd he send you?"
"A fucking hospital in Seattle." Jeremy whispered. "It was abandoned, but whoever did this…they did their research."
"It was Joe." James said. "Right? First strike?"
"Yeah. After he sent me there I made myself fall asleep."
"Jeremy…"
"Don't, Aaron, I can't talk about…"
"We need to." Aaron whispered. "Don't you think they're both smart enough to put the pieces together?"
"We have to wait and see if this is anything to be concerned about."
"Jeremy." James said. "I understand where you're coming from, but either way, if either of them found a way to come back it's not your fault."
"He killed you, James."
"And yet here I am today."
"We have to assume they're not back." Aaron said. "He would have come for dad, you know that. Your…"
"Demon."
"Yes. It would have come for Dean. This is something else and we'll figure it out, but not alone. We need help."
"Gee." Jeremy said before he stood up. "Wonder where we could get some of that from."
Dean was sitting up in bed and Sam was sobbing with his head in his lap. For all the good they did, all the lives they saved and bettered, it just wasn't fair for them to have to go through anything. Parking tickets seemed a little much and still the world kept on testing them. The amazing thing was that they kept on getting up and staying strong. They were going to do that again, but Aaron really thought they should get a nice long break from coping.
"Jeremy…"
"Sam, it's okay. I'm fine."
"I didn't…I didn't mean to…I'm sorry."
"I'm fine." Jeremy smiled. "You're fine too."
"Anyone want to tell me why I can see the living room through the closet?" Dean asked. "Did Ollie do that so he could sneak in here while we're sleeping?"
"Is dad okay?"
"He's fine." Aaron lied. "Few bumps and bruises."
"I need to see the kids." Dean said. "Um…for like the rest of my life twenty-four hours a day."
"What happened there?" Sam asked. "It was Joe, right?"
"Yeah, Sammy. It's not important right now."
"I'd say it is, Dean." James said. "You need to tell us what you know."
"Um…well, first of all he said to let Sam kill him and uh…I know him."
"Who is he?" Sam asked. "What's his real name?"
"Not like that, Sammy. I saw his eyes right before we left. I know him. I've seen him before."
"Perfect." Sam nodded. "Scary ass dream world and people showing up we know but can't remember."
"I didn't do anything."
"Jeremy…I know that. I know you'd never do anything, but this isn't the first time we've dealt with this. I'd never think you were responsible."
"See." Aaron said. "Jeremy's demon did do this often and I don't think I have to mention who he learned it from."
"Neat." Dean nodded. "So it's like a take your worst pick clusterfuck."
"We'll deal." Sam said before he stood up. "Dean, let's go check on the kids."
"Jensen told them it was an earthquake, Mikey's very excited."
"And the babies?"
"With Jason. They're going to stay in their rooms for a while until things are cleaned up. Anthony got hurt."
"Hurt?" Sam asked. "What do you mean?"
"The light fixture over the island fell. He's okay, he's tough."
"Yeah." Sam nodded. "Okay, um let's handle the kids and the mess and then mom can take over cooking for a while. You two need to get dressed."
"Are we going somewhere?" Jeremy asked. "Last minute shopping?"
"No. The four of us are paying a visit to your old friend. She's going to tell us everything she knows about Joe and then we're coming back here to have a fantastic Thanksgiving dinner."
"Sammy, um…we have no weapons. I think we're going to need to wait until we get home."
"He's right Sam." Aaron said. "He won't try anything again so soon."
"No, we need to go now."
"No weapons." Jeremy laughed. "Steak knife ain't gonna cut it."
"We don't need any weapons."
Sam leveled his hand at the closet and Aaron watched in utter astonishment as he pulled the wood back together. He wasn't even breaking a sweat and it didn't seem like he was going to anytime soon. Aaron or Jeremy could have possibly accomplished the same thing but it would have taken a very long time and more energy than they had. Sam mended it all in just about fifteen seconds before he sighed and brushed some stray splinters off Aaron's shoulder.
"Questions?" Sam smiled. "Comments?"
"I guess not…" Jeremy whispered. "Um, I'll go help Anthony and then get dressed."
"Thank you."
"I'll clean up…" Aaron said before he paused. "In a more conventional manner."
"Again, thank you."
"And I'll do my job as mannie." James nodded. "And stay here while you four are gone."
"Sounds like a plan."
Everyone went out of the room with their orders but Sam stayed behind with Dean. He could have had thousands of things to do and nothing was making him leave his side. Sam had scared himself a little and he knew that Aaron was scared of him, but he just couldn't deal with the idea of Dean being gone. It was like the whole world had ended and though Sam wasn't proud of himself he did like the way he felt.
"Not how you planned the day to go, huh?"
"Well." Sam shrugged. "I believe right about now you said you'd be sucking my cock to get it hard."
"Yeah…yeah, I guess I did say that."
"Maybe later tonight." Sam said. "We can get in bed and…"
"Yeah, maybe."
Sam was trying to put his arms around Dean's waist but he pulled away very quickly and awkwardly. There was normally nothing awkward about him, but the act of pulling away from a hug and a kiss was foreign and his body looked strange doing it. Dean looked strange as well because at the mention of sex Sam was almost positive he looked a little nauseous.
"Dean?"
"I need to get dressed if we're going to do this. I need to go see the kids."
"What happened to you?"
"Nothing, um…he just said to let you kill him. It's out of his control and he can't stop them."
"Who?"
"Dunno."
"Did anything else happen? Why were you in a hospital?"
"I don't uh…I dunno."
"Where was I?"
"School I think." Dean shrugged. "I really want to see the kids, Sammy."
"Okay, sorry."
"It's okay. We'll talk later."
Dean slipped into a pair of jeans in record time and left the bedroom holding onto his shoes. Sam stayed right where he was and wondered why Dean was lying and why he hadn't given him even a little kiss before he left. |
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